Because "Perfect" Isn't An Option

I am a perfectionist when it comes to me.  I don't expect anyone else to be perfect, but far be it from me to extend that same grace to myself!

If I make a mistake, I'm automatically "less than," even though you could make the same mistake and I would tell you not to be overly harsh with yourself over it.

I'm realizing more and more that I worship the idol of the elusive "perfect me," despite the glaring evidences that such a being does not and never will exist on this earth!

Oh, how I sometimes long to be perfect!  Like, I could start crying right now just thinking about how wonderful life would be if I could do, say, think, and write everything perfectly.  Or even just one thing?  My tripping and falling (mostly figurative, but some literal!) stories are so numerous, though, that I could fill an endless book with them. I humiliate myself on the regular with my imperfections--even at home; especially as a mom.*

Why, God?  Why can't I be perfect at anything?  I'm not even good at being myself, sometimes not knowing who I am and wondering who You want me to be.  Why do some people seem to easily feel at home in their skin and in their everything, while I want to hide from the world in shame over my insecurities?

I. Me.  I. Me.  I.  Me.  I.  Me.

I.  I.  I.

Me.  Me.  Me.

There's where the problem lies.  My focus:  Me, myself, and I.  When I focus on wanting to be perfect, it's for self-centered reasons, and Jesus hasn't called me to that!  My eyes need to remain on Him.  My goal needs to be to glorify Him.  It's not about me!

He has already taken care of me when He died in my place on the cross and rose again.  There's nothing else I need!  So, I'm free to focus on Him, even in my cringe-worthy imperfections.  God doesn't cringe when He looks at me.  He sees His perfect Son.

And that's what I want you and the rest of the world to see, too.  Jesus.  Imperfections are actually opportunities, and that's what I need to get through my thick skull.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

See, I'm not stuck in my wallowing and despair over not being perfect at anything.  And you don't have to be, either.  I used to wallow, but I've made progress.  I used to despair, but I've made progress.  I used to _____________ (zillion of things could fill that blank), but I've made progress.

Progress over perfection.

And that's all Jesus, my friends!  His work in me is the only explanation for me feeling free to share my flawed thoughts with you, in order to encourage you to look to Him.  See how it all works together?

I'm made perfect in Christ for eternity, but I don't yet live out that perfection in the space-time dimension in which I now exist.  The tension there haunts me intensely at times, and all I can do is call on Jesus.  That's it.  My intellect fails me.  My emotions fail me.  I fail me.  Jesus never fails.

Grace is amazing.  Not cheap grace.  I'm talking the immeasurably expensive-for-Him grace of Jesus.  Swim in it with me, won't you?

*This is one of the main topics I'll be tackling in my For the Mommas series! 

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When You're Waiting for Your Phone to Ring--Don't!

Regarding platonic relationships, if social media posts these days are any indicator, there are more lonely people now than ever before; or maybe it's just that we have a greater awareness because of the ease of making one's feelings known (via social media) to a large audience--without having to look anyone in the eye.

Loneliness is a legitimate issue, but it's clear that many people bring on their own isolation.  It doesn't have to be this way!

I'm no expert, but I'm fairly certain that complaining on the internet about no one calling us isn't the most effective way to connect with people.  In fact, though I'm a compassionate person, when I see social media posts that say things like, "It's too bad that no one ever calls me or talks to me," my first thought is, "Why are you waiting for someone else to make the first move?"  Not that I don't feel any compassion for the person, but I also don't agree with consistently dumping the entire responsibility in the other person's lap.

I say this with love and all respect, dear one:  It's not at all brave or productive to passively announce to the world how lonely you are* instead of calling/texting/emailing/DMing/etc. the actual individuals you want to spend time with.

In other words, if you're waiting for your phone to ring or for someone to approach you--STOP!  Just stop.

Make the first move, my friend.  I mean, what if everyone waited on everyone else to reach out?  No one would have one-on-one social interactions!  What if your particular person is thinking you don't want to get together because you are silent toward them, not knowing that you're silent because you are waiting on them to speak first?

Might they reject you?  Perhaps.  That's where the courage comes in.  The less you already know someone, the scarier it can be to reach out.  But what if they don't reject you?  What if they turn out to become a really nice acquaintance or a super awesome friend?  You'll miss out on a fulfilling relationship if  you cower in fear.

If the person you want to spend time with is already a friend, BE a friend by inviting them to to get together, rather than making them always do the asking.  Deeper connections take effort on both sides.  Sometimes even old friends lose touch because of circumstances, but it's worth it to rekindle the camaraderie by making time to hang out together.

I dare you to breathe a prayer, pick up your phone, and make your move--now! :)


*Of course, I'm not saying no one should ever be transparent about loneliness.  It's the use of a "feel sorry for me" broadcast on social media that is ineffective.  If you already make a lot of effort toward someone, and they don't return it, a private conversation with them about what's going on is likely to accomplish much more.

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When You Want to be a Mom (For the Mommas Series) || 10 Ways to Wait Well

Most years about this time, I find myself remembering the agony of staying seated in church on Mother's Day while all the moms were supposed to stand for recognition.  I can still feel the salty tears trying to escape my eyes, the sobs trapped in my throat, and the anxiety welling up throughout my whole being.  It was excruciating, year after year, to sit there and dwell on my empty arms.

I had no desire to actually stand up and be noticed--I prefer not to call attention to myself (which is SUCH a struggle for me as an author who has to promote herself--talk about a conflicted girl!)--but I so very much wanted THE REASON to stand up.

I wanted my son.

Oh, I didn't know who he was yet, or even that he was a he--or that he wouldn't be born of my body.  But I was waiting for him.  And it hurt a bit most days, but no days more than Mother's Day.

Once that moment in church was over, I could relax.  The pain didn't disappear, but I joyfully celebrated my own mom, mom-in-law, and all moms!

My friends were having babies left and right, and I loved that!  I never begrudged a friend her baby.  God is good and provided me many opportunities to have littles in my life through ministry and babysitting.

But my hubby and I wanted the Lord to entrust us with one of our own.  It was hard to try to think of why He would withhold a child from us--a couple who strongly desired to be parents--when we saw many parents who quite obviously viewed their kids as nuisances at best, and some who even mistreated their children.  (This was when we were out and about, or when my husband was at work--he counsels troubled kids and families--not anyone we knew personally at the time.)

After being married for almost fifteen years, we finally became parents, through adoption, to the most wonderful son ever!  The waiting was over--except then it wasn't, because there were complications with the adoption.  It was another ten months of falling in love with and bonding with our son--all the while uncertain about what the court outcome would be--before at last it became final.

The three of us were a family.

Let me share with you ten important things I learned about waiting--things I didn't even realize I was processing until at some point afterward.  If you're waiting for a child or waiting for anything dear to you, maybe you will be encouraged.

1. There is a purpose.  There are so many things God wants to teach us and ways He wants to minister to us through intense times of waiting.  I had to decide over and over: Do I trust Him, or not?
2. You're not necessarily doing anything wrong.   I remember sometimes wondering if I was committing some grave sin I wasn't aware of that caused God to withhold a child from me; and my husband--who I consider to be more spiritually mature than I am--had similar thoughts about himself at times.  While it is always a wise thing to examine our lives against the truths of Scripture, waiting doesn't always mean punishment from God.  He is always good and always allows what is best for us, even if it doesn't feel the slightest bit good.
3. Live in the now.  Whatever we're waiting for, we can live fully right now.  We have everything we need in this moment, so let's not wait until the next phase--no matter how much more wonderful we think it will be--to make the most of our time.  God always gives us plenty to do, and being about His business gives us less time to dwell on what we don't have.
4. The wait will be worth it.  A realization that struck me with force soon after God gave us our son was that, if we had received a child sooner, it wouldn't have been the one we received!  Our beloved son is the one who belongs with us, and no one else can be who he is. Even if we never receive some of the things we think we want, we can trust that God has something just as good or better for us!
5. Be grateful.  Sometimes it seems the things we desire are more prominent in our thoughts than all that we have.  God gives us so much, and He deserves our gratitude and praise.
6. Never mind what people say, and focus on the truth.  Sometimes well-meaning people will say hurtful things--wanting to help, but not understanding how their words will sound.  Try not to focus on their actual words, but on the hearts behind them.  Saturate your mind with the truth of God's Word--His words AND His heart are completely trustworthy!
7. Don't make infertility treatment decisions based on feeling pressured.  This goes hand-in-hand with #6.  When people say, "You should try _________" (any number of things could fill that blank), thank them for the suggestion, but don't feel obligated to do anything God doesn't impress upon you to do.  If you are a well-meaning friend or family member of a couple wanting to conceive, a sensitive way to approach a suggestion is to ask the person if they are open to hearing it, rather than assuming they want to.
8. Waiting develops patience.  Patience is important for a future parent . . . and for a person in general!
9. It's okay to be sad.  Something I've learned more recently is that it's important to take time to grieve when the need arises.  There are so many ways these days to avoid feeling.  But ignoring emotions isn't authentic, and they are going to show themselves eventually in one way or another.  Better to cry it out now than to act out in bitterness weeks or months from now.  I'm not suggesting we wallow in sadness and self-pity, but honestly express our emotions instead of repress them.
10. God sees the big picture.  That's one of the many reasons it's so important to trust Him.  We think we know when and how something should happen, but we are seeing such a limited part of the whole grand design--how can we think we know better than God?  He knows your pain in waiting, but He knows why it would be so much more painful to have what we want when we want it.  There is comfort in waiting on His timing if we trust Him.

Oh, how my heart goes out to you if you long to be a mom right now.  There's nothing wrong with wanting, and God understands the desire of your heart.  He hears you and cares about your pain because He loves you SO much!  Hang in there, dear one.  Wait well.  If you're feeling alone, you are welcome to email me.  I don't offer infertility advice, but I'm a good listener. :)

Choose joy,
Laurel

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2 Book Reviews in 1: Etched in Sand & Walk to Beautiful

While both of these books are written by adults who spent parts of their childhood years in the foster care system and paint a similar picture of that experience, each is different from the other in some major ways.  For this review, I will compare my reactions to the two books as I give you my opinion of them and reveal whether or not I recommend them.

Etched in Sand, by Regina Calcaterra, grabbed me at the title.  That particular combination of words immediately made me want to know what the book was about.  The cover is enticingly haunting and beautiful, too!  As memoirs and autobiographies tend to pull me in, and foster care is a heart-touching topic for me, it didn't take me long to decide to read it.

Walk to Beautiful, by Jimmy Wayne, has a lovely ring to its title as well.  And, again, the subject matter and the fact that it was written in first person were quick selling points for me.  I had just finished Etched in Sand when this book came to my attention, so foster care was heavy on my heart.

The similarities between the two books include first person reminiscences of horrific childhood experiences that no child should be forced to endure, written by well-adjusted adults who are successful despite their rough upbringing.  That is a lot for two stories to have in common with each other.  Both are compelling, yet hard to read in some ways, because the reader can't help but feel the devastation of such severe abuse and neglect of children.  Both books eventually offer hope, but it's difficult to shake the fog of despair for awhile.

There are a couple of remarkable differences that would cause me to recommend one book over the other.  Let me add a caveat before continuing:  A person normally tells his/her life story through the lenses of his/her own world view.  A reader/hearer of that life story processes and critiques it through his/her own world view, whether that world view is similar or very different from that of the teller.  My thoughts here are from the perspective of a Christ-follower.  If that's not where you're coming from, your reactions to these books could vastly differ from mine.

Etched in Sand contains a great deal of strong, vulgar language.  This is not something I prefer, but it doesn't usually keep me from reading about another person's life if I am interested or feel like I can learn something.  Most of the nasty language is in quotes of things said to Regina Calcaterra and her siblings.  Their mother was a piece of work, let me tell you.  The abuse these children endured and the repercussions of that are angering and moving and difficult to imagine.  Your mind kind of just doesn't even want to go there, and your heart wants to hide from it at first.  But there is hope offered in what Ms Calcaterra has been able to do as an adult to facilitate changes in legislation regarding foster care and to inspire readers to take various actions to make a difference in the lives of kids in, and aging out of, the foster care system.

Jimmy Wayne wrote Walk to Beautiful from the perspective of a now-Christian man looking back on his life so far.  He, too, suffered much throughout his childhood, and, though he may have been cursed at a lot, you don't see many of those particular words in his book.  The country singer tells the good, the bad, and the ugly about his life, and the ultimate hope he shares is His eventual relationship with Jesus Christ.  What he did as an adult to raise awareness for foster care is inspiring.  He walked half-way across America, camping where he could, and meeting all kinds of people along the way.  It's a great story!

The bottom line:  I don't regret reading either book, but the spiritual emphasis in Jimmy Wayne's story is preferable to me--though it isn't a contest.  If you can't or won't tolerate vulgar language under any circumstance, then steer clear of Etched in Sand.  If you can look past it and see it as a factual detail of the author's life, the story itself is a moving one. I highly recommend Walk to Beautiful and cautiously recommend Etched in Sand.

If you enjoy Christian fiction novels and are interested in the subject of foster care, the story line of Jag Marley in my Places series would likely appeal to you.  Click here to see the series!

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Have You Tried the Libby App?//The Magic of Audiobooks

My fellow reading enthusiasts:  I feel I must tell you about a fabulous app I have been enjoying, so you can enjoy it, too, if you wish!  It's quite possible you are already familiar with it, as I am rarely aware of the newest amusements technology has to offer, but--just in case--I'll give you the good news.

The app is called "Libby," and, once you download it onto your mobile device, you can enter your library card number and "check out" e-books and audiobooks.  For free. :)

Now, yes, I know . . . there is nothing quite like holding an actual book in your hands as you read.  But, if you've been with me long enough, you know I've become a reluctant-but-strong proponent of e-reading.  And now . . . are you ready for this? . . . I'm also into audiobooks.  Yes, siree!

If I'm not listening to podcasts while I do housework and such, I'm often listening to an audiobook.  I love them because I can "read" great books when I can't actually read, you know?  I always listen to audiobooks at +1.25 or +1.50 speed.  They sound maybe a little weird, but not too bad; and I can get through more books faster.  Genius!  (No, I'm not the genius.  I heard about this app AND got the idea for "speed-reading" from The Money Saving Mom.  You should totally check her out!) 

Normally I have two books going at the same time (I know, I know--I haven't been updating here or on Instagram about what I've been reading, but stay tuned!).  I read one fiction and one nonfiction, and one of these is an audiobook, while the other is a book-book or e-book.  If you follow me on Instagram, you may remember that I made a goal for myself to intentionally take more time each day to read.  I feel encouraged by my progress!

Are audiobooks "cheating," as far as reading time goes?  Meh.  Maybe in a way.  But, to me, the power of a story--true or not--is in the words.  I'm taking in the words, either way.  And I try to stay balanced between real reading and listening.  The major positive for me is that I'm getting twice as many books consumed, if not more, than I would without audiobooks.

Anyway, back to Libby.  I highly recommend this app if you aren't against e-books and audiobooks.  On my Kindle, Libby isn't available, but OverDrive (the maker of Libby) is, and somehow they link together.  For my local library system, you can have three books checked out at once, and they are removed after three weeks, if you don't "return" them before.  You can put books on hold and request new titles.

Here are the links:  Libby;  OverDrive

What are your favorite books these days?

Happy reading!

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For the Mommas: Yes, You ARE the Right Mother for Your Child!

Dear Mommas,

I know.  You're tired.  You want to be the best mom, but those failures keep accusing you of your imperfections.  All of us mommas have been there . . . are there . . . will be there.  Even this very moment my momma heart feels battered and bruised.

I have wonderful news, though!  But, first, my disclaimer:

This is written by an imperfect mom.  I am no expert.  In fact, there are likely aspects of motherhood you could teach me.  That's actually what it's all about--I want to encourage you in the ways the Lord leads me to, but I'd also love to learn from you!  We could all learn from each other if we're willing to openly discuss.  The comments section below or email are two ways we could accomplish that. :)

Also, this blog post assumes that the reader cares about being a good mom; about progressing in her effectiveness as a mother.

The good news is that, though you (or I) can't be a perfect mom, you are the RIGHT mother for your child(ren).

This is true for all types of mothers:  biological, adoptive, foster, a mother about to sign away her parental rights or have them taken away.  The truth is that right in this moment--no matter how successful or unsuccessful at motherhood you feel--God is sovereign.  His sovereignty is written all over the pages of the Bible and throughout creation.  Whoever is in your charge as you read this was meant to be there in this moment.

It's a huge responsibility, but God has equipped you.  He is with you every second, inviting you to lean into Him and His wisdom and His strength.

My son has a will of steel.  Plus he's a teenager.  He has studied me over the years and knows how to push my buttons.  Kids can sometimes be naturals at that, can't they?  The encouraging thing is that he's also maturing (as are his parents!), and the battles are fewer and farther between.

I remember sitting outside Panera over lunch a few years ago with a wise friend.  I was so emotionally and mentally weary as a mom.  I confided in her that sometimes, because I love my son so very much, I wondered if he should have been given a better mom than me.  More patient.  More wise.  More _____________ (whatever fits the moment).  The thought was overwhelmingly sad to me.

She shared words with me then that shook me--in a good way--out of my doubts.  She explained/reminded me that, because God is the one who knits families together, He has a plan to use even the parents' shortcomings and weaknesses to influence that child to become who He meant him/her to be.  So, though I try to keep progressing in my parenting effectiveness, God knew long ago how He wanted to use my son for His glory, and that even my mistakes will help my son be able to relate with and influence the people God wants to reach through him.

The same goes for you, dear momma!

So, no, don't allow past failure to become an excuse to just give up trying, but also don't give in to the lie that you can't do it or that you're ruining your kids' lives or that they should have been given a better mom.

The truth is that all of us could be better moms.  We'll never reach perfection.  But we have a perfect God who loves us and will share His perfect wisdom with us if we ask in faith (James 1:5-8).  And He will redeem the effects of our mistakes as He sees fit.

Grace is very real and far-reaching, but . . .

Hopefully this goes without saying (I'll say it anyway), but it is never okay to abuse and/or neglect a child.  If that's where you're at, you need to get help.  Now.  Don't wait another second.  Your mistakes are not unforgivable by God, but His grace doesn't absolve you of responsibility.  For the sake of your child and yourself, get help now.  Your choices affect the present and future generations.

The intricacies of motherhood are so tender in our hearts.  The Lord has been nudging me to begin a series, of which this is the first post, for moms.  Be on the lookout for more in the future!


If you would like to receive weekly encouragement pertaining to various aspects of life, be sure to join my reading family by letting me know below where to send it!

Choose joy,
Laurel

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Two-Minute Book Review: Murder Simply Brewed, by Vanetta Chapman

I have a list of books I've read in the last several months that I need to tell you about, and I thought I'd start with this gem of an Amish Country mystery, Murder Simply Brewed, by Vanetta Chapman,

If you follow me on Instagram (if you don't, come join the fam!), you may remember my renewed commitment several months ago to be intentional about reading more.  I have indeed been doing that, but I've been remiss in sharing with you what I've been reading and my thoughts on the various books.  Look for more of these book "reviews" in the months to come.

This story takes place in Middlebury, Indiana, an Amish tourist town with which I'm quite familiar!  (In fact, Middlebury is the setting of the fictional Taryn's Roses flower shop in my book, Safe Places.)  The characters include Amish and "English" (what Amish people call anyone who isn't Amish), and I believe the author represents an authentic interaction between the two cultures living side-by-side.

I'll start with the obvious:  There is a murder.  It takes place in a coffee shop.

I feel the need to include here, as a non-lover of overly-graphic scenes of violence or sex in books or movies, the fact that this murder is not described in offensive (to me, anyway) details. You know what you need to  know for the sake of the story.  The romantic aspects are lovely and innocent, to my recollection.

The mystery elements are nicely woven--you feel the suspense, but it's not likely to give you nightmares. :)  A young Amish woman and her boss, an "English" woman, are both not convinced that the death of a troubled older man--the coffee shop manager--was from natural causes, as it has been declared by officials.  The two very different women must work together to discover what really happened, and their friendship grows in the process.  Other prominent characters in the book are easy to love or hate, based on their charms, quirks, and/or serious issues.

The spiritual growth of the main characters is encouragingly developed throughout the story, which is something I love to see even in a fiction book.  No one is perfect in this book--the flaws are apparent.  But so is the progress.

I recommend Murder Simply Brewed if you are a lover of Christian fiction, mysteries, and especially if you are a fan of stories set in Amish Country.  I love that the mystery element is strong in this book, without the charm of Amish fiction being lost.

At some point, I would like to go back and read the other two books in the Amish Village Mystery series! 

Happy Reading!
Laurel

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